Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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