new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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