ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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