I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
