you would pick up someone in the library
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
