I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
