some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
