Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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