I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
