Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
