my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
