I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
