just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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