Someone shit on the floor
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
