i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
