I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I AM VODKA MAN
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
