I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize