its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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