No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
