I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
