My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
