My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize