Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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