i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The ass gains better be worth it
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
