i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
