when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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