someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
