turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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