If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
