So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
