I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
