You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
