woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize