It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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