The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize