If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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