I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
