Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
