I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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