I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
