just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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