My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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