You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
