I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
are you so shy because you have an std?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We don't watch enough power rangers
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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