I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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