I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
