then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
