last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
