Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
