the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Houston, we have a blender
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
