i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
50% drunk capacity currently
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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