she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
