that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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