I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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