in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
