Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
