I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
