I wish I only lived at night.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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