nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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