That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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