i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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