Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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