It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
