Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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