I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I want to be your penis for a week.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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