Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
