Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
